The Afternoon Lull

It's that time of day again. Between 3:00pm and 4:00pm. This is the hardest time of the day for me. The sides of my eyes are aching -- I so want to close them.

The way I have dealt with this time for many of days in the past few weeks is by walking to the elevators, heading down to the cafeteria and buying something sweet and not-so-good for me from the snack machine. Sometimes I wash it down with a frappachino (again, not good). I do this while I watch something on TV in the cafeteria. I then reverse course and sit down and let my brain go into oblivion for another hour or so until I can't take it any longer and I go home.

I know that is one of those moments where I need to recognize the cue and do something different, preferably incompatible with eating -- especially since I am NOT hungry. I decided to at least write this down here. I am going to get through this afternoon without eating crap to numb my boredom.

I did refill my water bottle a bit ago. Once I finish it I will have drank 64 oz. of water. I think to be on target I need to drink two more bottles (128 oz total). At least if I drink enough water, I will have a legitimate reason to go pee. I can then put my head in my hands and close my eyes for a few minutes without someone thinking I'm sleeping on the job.

One for sure way for me to keep myself from raiding the vending machine would have been for me to donate all of the cash in my wallet to the folks that were downstairs at lunch raising money for SIDS. I gave them the 5 in my wallet, but not the four 1's. It's the 1's that would enable me to cheat.

On the exercise front, I am considering hiring a personal trainer from the YMCA. I know V.. would approve of spending the money. Probably the only thing holding me back is I know that once I commit to it then I will not be able to back out of working out. Not only does it unlock that door, it shuts it behind me.

Beginning..no, Continuing

I just finished browsing a few blogs created by women trying to lose weight. I had been excited until I discovered they posted eight times, max. I had been hoping to draw inspiration from them, but only found a mirror of myself. Not one of them had kept the focus to continue working towards better health. I think posting in a blog helps to keep that goal in your sight. If you don't post in the blog, then it is easier to fool yourself into thinking you don't need to work harder .. you don't need to consider what you're eating .. you don't need to consider if you'll go to the gym or not.

So, I was going to title this entry beginning, but its not really beginning. I've been working at this actively for 8 years now. I weight exactly the same as when I started. I've been higher, and I've been lower.. but at this point, I'm at ground zero. And just so we're clear, that is around 255 lbs. I am putting that out there so that if someone comes across this blog they can either relate to me or not. Nothing irks me more than getting into someone's story about weight loss and then finding out their goal is to lose a whopping 10 lbs. I'm not belittling their efforts, but they really have no idea what someone with as much to lose as myself really battles with.

My husband has extreme and utter faith in my ability to conquer this. He says I'm amazing. How Blessed I am to have him.

I am certain this blog (I keep typing blob and then fixing it) will turn into a frequent account of what I've eaten on a particular day or maybe excuses of why I didn't work out or why I chose to eat a certain thing. As I get older I am beginning to get to the point where I hear my own excuses and realize just how stupid they sound.

I haven't decided if I will join some support group or not. I think the main thing I need to sort out is my own internal dialogue, and it is my goal that this blog will help to lay that out and help me see what I can change. That will be a major key (Yes, I've read Dr. Phil's book) for me. Most of the keys are easy for me if I choose to follow them, but the internal dialogue I have with myself is consistently negative.

I've titled this blog "Losing Myself" because that is what I will be doing. In the process I will find Frances.