Getting Help

It has been, as you can see, almost exactly three months since I have posted. In that time, I have decided to take a permanent position here at JNL.

What this means in regards to my weight loss efforts is as follows:

• I need to be more careful about eating fast food on the way to work and on the way home
• Still avoid the vending machine/goodies in the cafeteria
• I am eligible to join Weight Watchers At Work

So on Jan. 17th I went to my very first Weight Watchers meeting. I had a few inhibitions about this mainly because when I was in TOPS, a lot of people would join and say, "I did Weight Watchers for a while... etc etc". So I guess I wasn't expecting to be successful. And being part of a weight loss group forces me to acknowledge that I'm fat (duh). When I weighed in, I was somewhat surprised to learn that I have gained about 25 lbs since I started working here at JNL.

On the positive side, I really like the program. I am actually eating my five servings of fruits/vegetables you're supposed to eat, and drinking lots of water. I know that writing everything I eat down helps me to stay on track. That has worked for me in the past. The thing about the WW flex points plan is that not only do I write what I eat down, but it helps me know if I'm eating the right amount. And the points are relatively easy to keep track of.

So yesterday was my first weigh-in, and I lost 5 3/4 lbs my first week. No big surprise there really. I went from eating whenever/whatever I wanted, to eating a controlled amount of healthy foods. I think I have gone to McDonald's twice since I joined. Once was for a fruit/yogurt parfait, and the second was for an ice cream cone w/ the family (which I had points for). This is in comparison to eating breakfast from McDonald's almost every day of the work week. My appetite seems to be lessening as well. Last night, V served me a small portion of lasagna, which I enjoyed, and then was full. This wouldn't have happened a week ago.

In the back of my mind I still feel like I will be fat until I die... I'm going to try not to think about my goal weight just yet.. just get through each day on program and exercise. The rest should take care of itself. When I get below 200, maybe I'll believe what I can do.

When Fleeing Tempation . . .

There is this great little church down the road from our house. And of course they post little inspirational messages on their reader board out front. For quite a while now, these are the "in" thing for churches. I have found it remarkable how appropriate this little church's words of wisdom have been for me. I often feel that I am motivated to drive past that church by the Will of God to receive a special message.

Today's message was:
When Fleeing Tempation, do not leave a forwarding address

It was clear to me that this little message has to do with all the little forwarding addresses in our house -- all the little goodies left from the party: gumdrops, hershey kisses, gumdrops, etc. I finally packed up the remaining peanuts there were in the silver dish, and had Vince toss the rest of the cake. The same day we tosssed the cake, our neighbor friends brought over an apple pie. This isn't terribly tempting for me since apple pie isn't one of my favorites. Though there was at least one moment where I consciously made a decision to NOT have a piece of pie. I chose raw apples instead.

Exercise Getting Easier

Friday morning G.. and I ventured into the PowerFlex class at the YMCA at 6:00am. I had taken this class once before, and was immensely sore the next day. We made it through the class and felt pretty good. Attempting the flight of stairs to the first level of the Y to hit the showers posed a small amount of problem. If you've never taken a Powerflex class, this is basically instructor-led free weights. You do lots of things like lunges and squats. The great thing is that you get a total-body weight training workout. Lots of times if I am trying to do weight training, I don't nearly get all of the muscle groups.

So, Friday night the stiffness began. Saturday morning I could barely walk. Putting pressure on my muscles in my thighs was painful. I kept barking at the kids to quit climbing on me in the bed. Going downstairs was by far the most challenging task. I forced myself to keep moving all day. It was not comfortable. By Sunday things were looking up. The only muscles complaining now were my inner thighs.

The beauty is, though, my lower back has not hurt since Friday morning, before class! I had been waking up to a sore lower back and I think the strength training that focused on that area really improved things back there.

I started the week this morning with working out on the elliptical machine for 35 minutes. This was relatively effortless, other than the wierd foot pain I get on that machine.

I cannot say that I have been doing perfect with the food arena. I have definately improved though. I have not eaten any pastries from Starbucks since last Tuesday. I was reading online that some of the items I frequented were costing me 500 calories or more! We still have fuzzy navel cake in the fridge and throughout the day yesterday I ate three small slivers of this cake. Also, the other night I was chomping on big gum drops. This is all crap left over from the party. I just can't bring myself to getting rid of it.

I can say one thing for sure. . . I am starting to feel better. Starting to feel more confident in my ability to stay on track. I have definately had this feeling before, and I need to turn to my journaling with I'm feeling weak. This feeling will not be constant and I will need to be able to get through the times I don't feel this way to move forward.

Taking One Day at a Time

The last couple of days have gone well food-wise. I am really trying to find some balance in this arena. I don't want to be drastic, but at the same time I need to be diligent. I haven't visited the vending machine since I started this blog. I think that is a great start. I also think it has been around 2 weeks since I have had anything like burgers or french fries.

I just decided to stop being stupid and thinking the Chicken Salad Wrap I've been getting at Arby's was a good choice. This little gem is 640 calories with 39 grams of fat! I haven't been getting any fries, but 39 grams of fat?!? I definately need to come up with something else to eat for dinner on the way to teach my cake classes.

I really wish I could keep up with my Fitday food diary. I guess I will have to start writing everything down on paper to transfer to the program at night. That really helps me keep tabs on what I'm putting in my mouth. It becomes a matter of simple math at that point.

The other thing I would really like to do is join TOPS again. They are an excellent support group with the added accountability of a weekly weigh-in. I don't see how I'll have time for it until I lighten my teaching load, considering most of them meet on Mondays or Tuesdays.

I did work out at the YMCA this morning -- 25 minutes on the elliptical machine. I would have liked to do more, and possibly some weight training. I got to the gym too late for that though. I ended up leaving the gym at 7:45, which puts me at work at 9am.

I will keep trying and not give up. V.. played a video he took of me proclaiming how good I felt after working out. I guess I can't argue with myself, can I?

Pondering Solutions

I am hesitant to even discuss what is on my mind right now. I can just see T.. reading this and slapping me down. But it has crossed my mind several times. How much longer should I keep trying to lose weight before I take the ultimate weight loss plunge -- Bariatric Surgery? The local hospital in Grand Rapids performs the Roux-en-Y procedure laproscopically... which means its less invasive.

My BMI is just over the minimum of 40 to be considered morbidly obese, at 41.5. I've watched several people in my family under-go "stomach stapling". Not a one ended up with long-term weight loss. My dad came the closest, but after a heart attack, he became very sedentary and appears to have lost all consideration for what he eats.

What I have observed in my own weight loss efforts, is that I can lose weight if I exercise four or five times a week and watch what I eat like a hawk. If I attempt to eat "normal" my weight loss evens out. If I stop exercising I gain. I feel like I need help in not eating so much so my activity can overcome the amount of calories I eat. The one thing about the procedure is that you physically cannot overeat without becoming extremely uncomfortable, and even still, there just isn't that much room for anything in the little pouch of a stomach. If your "will power" fails, your stomach just won't enable you to overeat.

I have watched and listened to my father hacking in the bathroom when he has gotten "plugged". Maybe this is the vomiting they talk about on the bariatric surgery websites. It seems like this should be fairly easy to avoid.

I would also be committing to not become pregnant for at least a year. This was my biggest concern.. of if I would be allowed to become pregnant at all after such a procedure. I'm not entirely sure of if we will decide to have more children, but I don't want to be in a position where I can't decide.

I will stew over this for a while. I probably should bring it up with V.. just to get an idea of where he stands on the issue.

The Afternoon Lull

It's that time of day again. Between 3:00pm and 4:00pm. This is the hardest time of the day for me. The sides of my eyes are aching -- I so want to close them.

The way I have dealt with this time for many of days in the past few weeks is by walking to the elevators, heading down to the cafeteria and buying something sweet and not-so-good for me from the snack machine. Sometimes I wash it down with a frappachino (again, not good). I do this while I watch something on TV in the cafeteria. I then reverse course and sit down and let my brain go into oblivion for another hour or so until I can't take it any longer and I go home.

I know that is one of those moments where I need to recognize the cue and do something different, preferably incompatible with eating -- especially since I am NOT hungry. I decided to at least write this down here. I am going to get through this afternoon without eating crap to numb my boredom.

I did refill my water bottle a bit ago. Once I finish it I will have drank 64 oz. of water. I think to be on target I need to drink two more bottles (128 oz total). At least if I drink enough water, I will have a legitimate reason to go pee. I can then put my head in my hands and close my eyes for a few minutes without someone thinking I'm sleeping on the job.

One for sure way for me to keep myself from raiding the vending machine would have been for me to donate all of the cash in my wallet to the folks that were downstairs at lunch raising money for SIDS. I gave them the 5 in my wallet, but not the four 1's. It's the 1's that would enable me to cheat.

On the exercise front, I am considering hiring a personal trainer from the YMCA. I know V.. would approve of spending the money. Probably the only thing holding me back is I know that once I commit to it then I will not be able to back out of working out. Not only does it unlock that door, it shuts it behind me.

Beginning..no, Continuing

I just finished browsing a few blogs created by women trying to lose weight. I had been excited until I discovered they posted eight times, max. I had been hoping to draw inspiration from them, but only found a mirror of myself. Not one of them had kept the focus to continue working towards better health. I think posting in a blog helps to keep that goal in your sight. If you don't post in the blog, then it is easier to fool yourself into thinking you don't need to work harder .. you don't need to consider what you're eating .. you don't need to consider if you'll go to the gym or not.

So, I was going to title this entry beginning, but its not really beginning. I've been working at this actively for 8 years now. I weight exactly the same as when I started. I've been higher, and I've been lower.. but at this point, I'm at ground zero. And just so we're clear, that is around 255 lbs. I am putting that out there so that if someone comes across this blog they can either relate to me or not. Nothing irks me more than getting into someone's story about weight loss and then finding out their goal is to lose a whopping 10 lbs. I'm not belittling their efforts, but they really have no idea what someone with as much to lose as myself really battles with.

My husband has extreme and utter faith in my ability to conquer this. He says I'm amazing. How Blessed I am to have him.

I am certain this blog (I keep typing blob and then fixing it) will turn into a frequent account of what I've eaten on a particular day or maybe excuses of why I didn't work out or why I chose to eat a certain thing. As I get older I am beginning to get to the point where I hear my own excuses and realize just how stupid they sound.

I haven't decided if I will join some support group or not. I think the main thing I need to sort out is my own internal dialogue, and it is my goal that this blog will help to lay that out and help me see what I can change. That will be a major key (Yes, I've read Dr. Phil's book) for me. Most of the keys are easy for me if I choose to follow them, but the internal dialogue I have with myself is consistently negative.

I've titled this blog "Losing Myself" because that is what I will be doing. In the process I will find Frances.